There are soooo many things –
I am paralyzed in deciding what to explore – overwhelmed by it all –

So instead here’s something I started writing 2 years ago, rewrote a year ago, final editing happened today end of July 2024
Posting it now as a way of acknowledging lingering sadness, releasing the betrayals that brought me to where I am now, thanking them for my freedom –

I have been uprooted. 
Moved from one location to another, potted and placed in limbo –

I planted myself in this geographical location – the foothills of southern Alberta – 22 years ago, and immediately began creating a garden in a yard that was begging for beauty. I used plants as colour, shape and texture, and the ground as canvas, essentially painting with plants. Initially people we loved and who loved us brought plants and trees as gifts, and were subsequently referred to as Seibolds’ forsythia, Mavis’ lilac, Carols’ rose, Maurices’ peonies …

Over the years the garden grew to include plants commemorating deaths, births, anniversaries, birthdays. My garden had people and memories attached to the plants, surrounding me with perennial symbols of connection with another. 

The garden flourished and grew, it   became  my refuge. 
It would not be an exaggeration to say that it saved my life  – more than once.
Reminding me of what was real and true, valuable and meaningful.
After enduring a particularly difficult winter – weather storms and personal ones – there were many in 22 years – the perennials and shrubs would always come back – even under the harshest of conditions, hail, early spring, snow in summer, slugs, ants, insect infestations, the list is long –  they never complained, they never wished things could be different, they just showed up no matter what – reaching for the sun, for the light, for their ‘raison d’être’.
If they could do it – what was stopping me?

And now because of one cruel act of betrayal, that garden, that saving grace in my life, ‘belongs’ to someone else. I still boohoo thinking about it, like now (and now). My beloved garden, my creation, my collaboration  with nature and beauty, is being tended to by strangers – so much sadness 

I have been uprooted
Moved from one location to another,  potted and placed in limbo –

This experience is familiar to  me – 
Life is not the linear trajectory we are told it is – far from it –
Instead what I’ve noticed is that it spirals, often in different directions, sometimes all at once
Everywhere in nature, you see cycles of rebirth. Nothing in the natural world just ends, in spite of it seeming so. Instead I see life as moving through stages of transformation, cycles of regeneration, renewal, resurrection, endurance and resilience – perennial returning – gardening teaches us all this.

I miss that close relationship with growing, tending, connecting to the earth, and  creating with nature.
The rewards – beauty, resilience, wisdom – gifts beyond measure –   have been firmly rooted in the core of my being – potted and placed in limbo –

Can we please have peace in the world?
People want peace
Please Peace, peace, and only peace –

As always thank you for spending time, your precious time with my work / words

Louise
Okori
July 2024

I am noticing myself missing Gyō-zō a lot these days, feeling the absence of him in my daily life even though it’s been 6 years since he left this world for the next – they have been a tumultous 6 years – both globally and personally

Remembering him now I wonder what he would have to say about the state of world affairs these days – these last few years especially – at the same time as knowing exactly what he would say –
‘everything unfolding as it should’
He would however have had opinions about all of it

I miss bringing him brownies and cleaning his house –
I miss bonging bowls, lighting fires, hot tea –
I miss hearing about his birding adventures, discussing gardening dilemas and everyday miracles.
I miss our conversations, his laugh –
I miss hearing about his amazing stories of synchronicity and of visits from beyond the veil –
He was a seer and ‘seeing into life’ and all of its challenges was THE place of his practice

He introduced me to different ways of looking at the world. He recognized my intutive nature, helped me to understand that my seeing was a gift, taught me to trust it, to not be afraid of it. He guided me, cheered me, loved me unconditionally.
In his eyes I was his equal. He thanked me for walking with him through this incarnation.
He said that I had been a blessing to him – the feelings were mutual.

Gradually he lost his eye sight, which for him was all part of the human process which he accepted, he knew where he was in space and his house provided safety for him. He continued to navigate his way through life the way he always had – from the inside out.

There are moments through out the day when the memory of him weaves in and out of my thoughts, upfront and in the background, never far away, seemingly no where to be found –
These occasional memory visits keep his being in my life, helping me to stay sane, grounded.

He was a rare presence in my life – a gift beyond measure.

R. Gyō-zō Spickett April 1927 – April 2018

10 years – She’s been gone for 10 years –
seems impossible somehow.
Remembering her now – boohooing the whole time.

Carol was an instant friend, a heart / soul friend – someone that I recognized would always be in my life – part of my family of peeps with whom I would navigate life with, witnessing each other’s lives –

She was a big personality – what might be more accurate actually is that her ‘being’ was big and her personality reflected that largesse –
packaged in a tiny body.

She was funny – hilarious actually, the best giggle girlfriend you could ever ask for – snorting giggles, giggles that grew into full blown squeals and screams –
You could always count on laughter when Carol was around.

Laughter and dancing.
Laughter, food, more dancing –
although after babies it seems to me there was less dancing and more food – but the dancing vibe never disappeared.
Since she passed, I laugh and dance considerably less.

For the longest time I would reach for the phone to call her to share something – having to settle instead for an imaginary conversation with her in my head – which I still do occasionally, all these years later.

I miss her, her presence, her big, beautiful being –
I miss our relationship and doing the things we did together, the deep dive discussions we would have – going from serious to silly back to serious again without skipping a beat
I feel her absence in my life and the richness she brought to it.

The light that shone through the prism that was ‘Carol’ revealed a big open hearted soul who loved to laugh and dance and eat and hang out with her family of friends. It revealed an intelligent, funny, compassionate, loving, adventurous (in her own way) soul, committed to making the world a better place, especially for women and children.

All this memory mining brings her to me in a deeply felt way, and I find myself wondering where she is now –

I see her and I sitting closely having tea … lemon balm and mint with honey – giggling as we watch a young girl maybe 8ish – dancing in the sunlight with a stick, completely immersed in her imaginary world. I want to say her name is Simone – at one point she stops dancing and looks directly at us, as though she sees us watching her through the veil that separates us. She waves, then continues her beautiful, carefree sun dance.

Carol sitting next to me gives me a long hug and a smooch, then disappears – having shown me that she is still dancing in her new life –
forever a dancing queen.

Louise
Okori

11.14.22❤