‘There are times when life sharpens, things come into focus and gradually, you become aware that you are standing before a threshold. There is no way back to where you were before and there is no way out but through.’ – John O’Donohue
sundial medice butte southern alberta August 2017
For me, ‘drawn to respond’ has been a journey within a journey – within –
Me travelling through the land, the land travelling through me – not over –
changing pace – continuous
What happens next happens in the editing room of memory and meaning and it could literally be anything!
One of the things I loved about this project/journey was everyday was different, even when they looked the same – There were lazy days, busy days, driving days, beach days, weather days, exploring days, sick days, nothing days…daily visits of awe and inspiration. Then there were the moments within the days – moments of noticing – everything –
pull over the side of the road and weep for the magnificence moments –
moments of overwhelming joy, moments of connection and solitude, moments of clarity and understanding –
and one moment of sheer terror where I faced the very real possibility of dying…
Driving back from Sundial Medicine Butte through the farmer’s field, Bill and I ended up perched precariously on the side of a hill trying to avoid a collision with a mother cow and her baby just to the left. On the right, large boulders that would surely topple us over into the bottom of the ravine if my wheels were to bump up against them. In front of me, three possible ‘tracks’, more like ruts carved into the side of the hill serving as a ‘road’. There was no turning around, going back or staying put, the only choice was going forward and that choice did not guarantee safe passage – for the first time in my life I was faced with making a decision where I had no idea if I would live or die – strange place – surreal –
Then a fascinating thing – in the face of terror the unexpected happened –
I became very quiet and calm, the sounds around me disappeared. I repeated my mantra for the journey, tapped my thymus to get my body on board with my intention to move forward no matter what that meant – making it to the other side – this one or the next –
I literally was face to face with the very real possibility of my death. In that serenely calm place I noticed that I had no regrets, no sadness, no remorse, there was instead a seeing of sorts, a deep knowing and understanding of something I was feeling that defied words or language.
Then somehow without knowing how – I was ready – I moved forward –
Clearly I made it to the other side in this world – changed forever by that experience, an experience like no other, its intensity still reverberates through my body as I recall it. GyoZo said I entered deeply into the experience of Source – of Okori –
All I know, is that experience changed everything, none of it perceptible.
That memory now woven through my energetic blueprint, deeply embedded securely within my being – forever.
Along the way I committed to disavowing myself of everything that was never mine to begin with, energetic and otherwise – a daily ritual of decluttering the soul, the inner landscape, the attic of collected attitudes and obligations, no longer relevant or helpful or healthy. Then one day, I realized that I no longer felt anxious. Anxiety I didn’t even know I had, anxiety that had taken up residence in my being as though it was entitled to live there, was suddenly gone….The space that it left after it vacated made me realize that it had been there a long time, quietly eroding away at my well-being –
Now, it was calm and peaceful, replaced by courage and an unfailing sense of knowing that I can do anything. I would have said that was true before I started this project, but this was different, as though something settled inside of me instead of moving around and wreaking havoc. Or something woke – roused from a deep dream of anxious possibilities – quiet, calm, peaceful, OK, and somehow perfect –
and, all that I was feeling, I was feeling for the first time –
It was as though the static was gone and what was left was a clear, quiet, strong connection to the radio station that was ME and only me
It was like nothing I’d ever heard before at the same time as being completely familiar.
All images / text © Louise Pagé 2017